i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
did i just pee glitter
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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