P.S. I can't hear my feet
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
