Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
