Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
