Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
