david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
