I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need water and some morals
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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