i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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