Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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