Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
