you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
