i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
