A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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