My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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