The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
