in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
