positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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