My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
