I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
