I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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