the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
