i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
