you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
