Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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