So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
