I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
