Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
