Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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