It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
