Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The uberlube is also flammable
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
