frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
