I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize