Your dad touched me again.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
