my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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