Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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