I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
