my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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