In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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