Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Holy shit dude........stairs
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
