All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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