I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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