Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
