shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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