Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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