Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
