I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
