I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
