I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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