hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize