I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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