hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
if only i could text you this smell
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
