Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
