just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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