when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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