If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
