I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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